Here's a famous one.
Grandma Turtle had a duck pond. Some of her ducklings disappeared. One day, she noticed a duckling with a bite taken out of him. She grabbed her hoe and went poking around the pond. She dragged up a giant snapping turtle and whacked his head off with the hoe.
TT: Normally, this story should make me sad for the turtle, but I've heard it so many times, it's a legend. And it speaks volumes about my grandma.
When I was about five, mom and dad took a cruise. Grandma came to our house to watch us while they were gone. House of Wax with Vincent Price was on spooky theater at 10 PM and I begged her to let me watch it. I don't know why. I guess I liked Vincent Price. I convinced her that mom would have no trouble with me staying up past my bedtime to watch it (two lies). I didn't get more than 15 minutes in before I got so scared, I hid under the covers. "Well, if you're not going to watch it..."
Grandma turned off the TV.
I still haven't watched the original.
Before they retired, grandma and grandpa lived on a farm. We often went out to visit in the summer. One time, I got an enormous cattail sliver in my palm. I was young, so maybe it wasn't that big. But grandma had to take it out, and she did, bless her, with me screaming at the top of my lungs the whole time. My brothers wisely vacated the area during the procedure.
Last one for today.
The only game of tiddlywinks I ever played was against Grandma Turtle. She won. When I started to whine, she leaned in close and said, "If you're old enough to play, you're old enough to lose."
Words of wisdom from the salt of the earth.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
So Much
Funny how life gives you long stretches of nothing and then everything seems to hit all at once.
I have a new job.
I haven't started yet, but I have given notice and I'm counting down to the end of the old and the start of the new. It seems I'm sorrier to leave them than they are to see me go. It's a good reality check to know I'm not irreplaceable. Hard on the ego, of course.
And Grandma Turtle died this Tuesday. I'll write more about that later, but it's a bit too fresh yet to process. Mostly I just cry and stare at the wall in the troughs and focus on getting ready for my new job at the crest of the sorrow wave.
Sorrow comes in waves, you know. You just have to ride them out and hope you don't throw up.
Grandma would smack me in the head for being silly about crying. I know she's happier with Jesus. But, unless the world ends or I die in a bus accident, it may be a long time before I see her again. That's a hard thought.
So I'm a bit more absent-minded than usual, and I'm not hearing as well as I did a few days ago.
I'd appreciate your prayers. You know I'm praying for all of you.
I have a new job.
I haven't started yet, but I have given notice and I'm counting down to the end of the old and the start of the new. It seems I'm sorrier to leave them than they are to see me go. It's a good reality check to know I'm not irreplaceable. Hard on the ego, of course.
And Grandma Turtle died this Tuesday. I'll write more about that later, but it's a bit too fresh yet to process. Mostly I just cry and stare at the wall in the troughs and focus on getting ready for my new job at the crest of the sorrow wave.
Sorrow comes in waves, you know. You just have to ride them out and hope you don't throw up.
Grandma would smack me in the head for being silly about crying. I know she's happier with Jesus. But, unless the world ends or I die in a bus accident, it may be a long time before I see her again. That's a hard thought.
So I'm a bit more absent-minded than usual, and I'm not hearing as well as I did a few days ago.
I'd appreciate your prayers. You know I'm praying for all of you.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Can't Win for Losing
On the off chance my mid-nightly awakenings were caused by changing my alarm time (and forgive me for wanting an extra half hour), I changed the alarm back to 4:25. It kinda worked.
I woke up at 3:36.
Hey, that's an additional hour and twelve minutes. I won't complain.
The heat is getting to everyone at the Turtle household. Cats and dog not eating like usual. Cats and dog throwing up food for no obvious reason. Everybody melted over furniture or puddled into carpets, as if 82 degrees in the house is unreasonable. It's not unreasonable.
Heck, if it were only 82 degrees outside, I'd have the windows open. How would they like that, I wonder?
I shared a "funny" on FB the other day. One of those church signs: "Satan called - He wants his weather back."
That's no joke.
I hope you are praying for some heat relief. Satan may be lord of the air, but he can't lift a finger without God's permission. It's possible we're only enduring the heat because we haven't asked the One who made the weather to have mercy.
God is merciful. I thank Him for that daily.
Which also reminds me... I hope you're aware of the call to fast and pray for the nation taking place in Austin, TX on August 6. It is about time some non-church leaders stood up and reminded us all that God is in charge. I won't be in Austin, but I will be praying. Please join us. God will hear us, if we ask.
I woke up at 3:36.
Hey, that's an additional hour and twelve minutes. I won't complain.
The heat is getting to everyone at the Turtle household. Cats and dog not eating like usual. Cats and dog throwing up food for no obvious reason. Everybody melted over furniture or puddled into carpets, as if 82 degrees in the house is unreasonable. It's not unreasonable.
Heck, if it were only 82 degrees outside, I'd have the windows open. How would they like that, I wonder?
I shared a "funny" on FB the other day. One of those church signs: "Satan called - He wants his weather back."
That's no joke.
I hope you are praying for some heat relief. Satan may be lord of the air, but he can't lift a finger without God's permission. It's possible we're only enduring the heat because we haven't asked the One who made the weather to have mercy.
God is merciful. I thank Him for that daily.
Which also reminds me... I hope you're aware of the call to fast and pray for the nation taking place in Austin, TX on August 6. It is about time some non-church leaders stood up and reminded us all that God is in charge. I won't be in Austin, but I will be praying. Please join us. God will hear us, if we ask.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Magic Number
At my house, this week anyway, the magic number seems to be 224. As in 2:24 AM. That's been my wake up time for the last four days.
I don't know why. Part of it could be the A/C kicking on. Two times seemed to be Mica having a very loud freak-out in the basement.
I planned everything to make my sleep as trouble-free as possible last night, and what should happen but Caleb -my perfect cat-dog who never gives me any trouble- woke me up at 2:24 AM.
It's a conspiracy. I'm sure of it. Don't know who's planning it, but I'm sure there's someone.
I wouldn't mind waking up then so much were I able to go back to sleep, which, so far, I really haven't managed.
TT: A friend once told me she loved waking up in the middle of the night because she'd get all excited about how much longer she had to sleep until she needed to get up. Glass half full, I guess. I wouldn't really know anything about that.
Well, I'm not excited about 3 hours of wakefulness in the dark.
My eyes are so red I'm wondering if I've been swallowing jello shots. The heavy glasses prescription doesn't help. My thick lenses magnify everything into "HELLO! MY EYES ARE RED! HOW ARE YOU?"
I think it mostly has to do with the heat. The A/C appears to kick on for the first time around 2:24 AM and then I go through too cold (while it's blowing) to too hot (when it stops and my covers turn into potholders). Not much I can do about that.
In the meanwhile, I pray when I wake up at night, so if you have any pressing issues you'd like me to present to the Big Guy on your behalf, let me know.
Not like it's out of my way.
I don't know why. Part of it could be the A/C kicking on. Two times seemed to be Mica having a very loud freak-out in the basement.
I planned everything to make my sleep as trouble-free as possible last night, and what should happen but Caleb -my perfect cat-dog who never gives me any trouble- woke me up at 2:24 AM.
It's a conspiracy. I'm sure of it. Don't know who's planning it, but I'm sure there's someone.
I wouldn't mind waking up then so much were I able to go back to sleep, which, so far, I really haven't managed.
TT: A friend once told me she loved waking up in the middle of the night because she'd get all excited about how much longer she had to sleep until she needed to get up. Glass half full, I guess. I wouldn't really know anything about that.
Well, I'm not excited about 3 hours of wakefulness in the dark.
My eyes are so red I'm wondering if I've been swallowing jello shots. The heavy glasses prescription doesn't help. My thick lenses magnify everything into "HELLO! MY EYES ARE RED! HOW ARE YOU?"
I think it mostly has to do with the heat. The A/C appears to kick on for the first time around 2:24 AM and then I go through too cold (while it's blowing) to too hot (when it stops and my covers turn into potholders). Not much I can do about that.
In the meanwhile, I pray when I wake up at night, so if you have any pressing issues you'd like me to present to the Big Guy on your behalf, let me know.
Not like it's out of my way.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Made Me Laugh
I totally stole this from an email, but it made me laugh.
It's so hot and dry in Kansas
It's so hot and dry in Kansas
…the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
…the trees are whistling for the dogs.
…the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
…hot water comes from both taps.
…you can make sun tea instantly.
…you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
…the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
…you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
…you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
…you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
…you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
…your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
…you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
…the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
…the cows are giving evaporated milk.
…farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
…the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
...the Methodists are using wet-wipes,
...Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and
...the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Duh
I'm officially an idiot.
I've been cleaning and cleaning: washing curtains, treating carpet, bleaching the tub in a frantic attempt to find and remove the source of that pervasive, oniony smell in my house.
All the while, I've been putting kitchen scraps into my kitchen compost bin. Only this morning did I remember putting onions in the compost bin earlier this month. Source of the smell? Huh. Maybe.
D'oh!
Anyway, the compost bin got dumped outside and cleaned this morning. Let's hope that solves the problem, shall we?
Normally, I empty it immediately following an onion deposit. Must have gotten distracted.
Which reminds me, if I don't thaw some chicken, I'll be eating chocolate for dinner.
Like that's a problem. Or a novelty.
I've been cleaning and cleaning: washing curtains, treating carpet, bleaching the tub in a frantic attempt to find and remove the source of that pervasive, oniony smell in my house.
All the while, I've been putting kitchen scraps into my kitchen compost bin. Only this morning did I remember putting onions in the compost bin earlier this month. Source of the smell? Huh. Maybe.
D'oh!
Anyway, the compost bin got dumped outside and cleaned this morning. Let's hope that solves the problem, shall we?
Normally, I empty it immediately following an onion deposit. Must have gotten distracted.
Which reminds me, if I don't thaw some chicken, I'll be eating chocolate for dinner.
Like that's a problem. Or a novelty.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Facebook Fun
I love these things. I love to talk about myself, and this is a socially acceptable way to do it without being accused of overt arrogance. I tagged a few folks my as-yet-breakfast-deprived brain thought of, but my apologies if I missed you. Feel free to copy and paste to your Notes. Just tag me, OK?
1. What time did you get up this morning?
4:25
2. How do you like your steak?
Medium rare but I prefer turkey
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema
That really stupid new vampire movie based on a comic book and sort of old West meets Eastern Catholic? My not remembering the name shows my utter contempt for it.
4. What is your favorite TV show?
Stopped watching TV when NBC cancelled their newest Christian Slater/Madsen Amichek series after two episodes. Rot in the third ring of Hades, NBC execs! You don't own me anymore!
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Kansas, but with a reinforced basement tornado shelter. Gotta get me one of those.
6. What did you have for breakfast?
Haven't decided yet. I went to the store last night and I have SO MANY CHOICES! Maybe a little of everything.
7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Chinese food, with American ingredients but Chinese techniques.
8. What foods do you dislike?
Things that make me bloat.
9. Favorite Restaurant?
Taco Bell
10. Favorite dressing
Raspberry Vinaigrette
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Suzuki Grand Vitara. I pretend it's a Subaru Outback.
12. What are your favorite clothes?
Anything that hangs without pinching. Bras are not on this list.
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Hershey PA before they moved the factory to Mexico. But I'm not going to Mexico just to smell chocolate-scented air.
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
1/2 empty
15. Where would you want to retire.
Don't plan to retire but Arizona's dry heat sounds better every year as the arthritis encroaches.
16. Favorite time of day?
"any time it's quiet." Hear, hear, Caprice!
17. Where were you born?
Topeka KS
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Gymnastics. Those people are crazy.
19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Rachel. She's too busy being Wendy in Peter Pan.
20. Person you expect to tag you back first
Good question.
21. who are you most curious about responses?
Julia.
22. Bird watcher?
More of a listener. I stop for sounds and don't start again until I find the source. Rather annoying, actually.
23. Do you consider yourself attractive?
Absolutely! You're reading this, aren't you? I rest my case.
24. Pets?
So, so many.
25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share?
shhhhhh. Not yet.
26. What did you want to be when you were little?
a dog.
27. What is your best childhood memory?
My cat Sugar riding on top of the car because she was so mad at my mom for yelling at me. We stopped the car, Sugar got in and nuzzled my face until I got to school.
28. Are you a cat or dog person?
I'm guessing "cat," although I claim to like both.
29. Are you married?
No. I do wear a wedding ring but it was my grandmother's.
30. Always wear your seat belt?
Yes
31. Been in a car accident?
Several. I was driving for only one and my car stalled while turning left. Could have been killed (my car was aluminum) but the other driver had good reflexes and I'm pretty sure an angel stepped between us.
32. Any pet peeves?
So, so many. Oh wait, pet PEEVES?
33. Favorite pizza topping?
Not allowed to eat pizza anymore, but when I did it was hamburger.
34. Favorite Flower?
Buttercups. Duh. Actually, I love smelly flowers: marigolds, roses, peonies, hyacinth.
35. Favorite ice cream?
Peppermint.
36. Favorite fast food?
Taco Bell 5 layer beefy burrito. I shouldn't eat them, but, oh, how I love them.
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
I don't remember failing, although I remembering thinking "I should have failed. Why didn't I fail? I don't want to drive!"
38. From whom did you get your last email?
Newsmax. chuckle.
39. In which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Make Dave Ramsey proud. Say "no" to credit.
40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I hope not.
41. Like your job?
I really do.
42. What was your favorite vacation?
Summers at my relatives' cabin in the Ozarks, before it got all commercial.
43. Last person you went out to eat with?
my brothers and their women. hmm. That could be a book title.
44. What are you listening to right now?
American Family Radio. Nicole Spawnberg, I think.
45. What is your favorite color?
Cobalt Blue
46. How many tattoos do you have?
none. Scared of needles. And pain. And bloating.
47. Coffee drinker?
I hate coffee, but I've learned to appreciate a white chocolate mocha latte with a shot of cinnamon. It tastes almost nothing like coffee.
48. How many children do you have?
No human children.
49. Pick one super power... what would it be??
Telekinesis, hands-down. HA!
50. Do you return shopping carts at the grocery store?
Every Single Time. Lazy creatures, do you not know GOD is watching?
51. Signature Drink?
Water with lemon.
1. What time did you get up this morning?
4:25
2. How do you like your steak?
Medium rare but I prefer turkey
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema
That really stupid new vampire movie based on a comic book and sort of old West meets Eastern Catholic? My not remembering the name shows my utter contempt for it.
4. What is your favorite TV show?
Stopped watching TV when NBC cancelled their newest Christian Slater/Madsen Amichek series after two episodes. Rot in the third ring of Hades, NBC execs! You don't own me anymore!
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Kansas, but with a reinforced basement tornado shelter. Gotta get me one of those.
6. What did you have for breakfast?
Haven't decided yet. I went to the store last night and I have SO MANY CHOICES! Maybe a little of everything.
7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Chinese food, with American ingredients but Chinese techniques.
8. What foods do you dislike?
Things that make me bloat.
9. Favorite Restaurant?
Taco Bell
10. Favorite dressing
Raspberry Vinaigrette
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Suzuki Grand Vitara. I pretend it's a Subaru Outback.
12. What are your favorite clothes?
Anything that hangs without pinching. Bras are not on this list.
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Hershey PA before they moved the factory to Mexico. But I'm not going to Mexico just to smell chocolate-scented air.
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
1/2 empty
15. Where would you want to retire.
Don't plan to retire but Arizona's dry heat sounds better every year as the arthritis encroaches.
16. Favorite time of day?
"any time it's quiet." Hear, hear, Caprice!
17. Where were you born?
Topeka KS
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Gymnastics. Those people are crazy.
19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Rachel. She's too busy being Wendy in Peter Pan.
20. Person you expect to tag you back first
Good question.
21. who are you most curious about responses?
Julia.
22. Bird watcher?
More of a listener. I stop for sounds and don't start again until I find the source. Rather annoying, actually.
23. Do you consider yourself attractive?
Absolutely! You're reading this, aren't you? I rest my case.
24. Pets?
So, so many.
25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share?
shhhhhh. Not yet.
26. What did you want to be when you were little?
a dog.
27. What is your best childhood memory?
My cat Sugar riding on top of the car because she was so mad at my mom for yelling at me. We stopped the car, Sugar got in and nuzzled my face until I got to school.
28. Are you a cat or dog person?
I'm guessing "cat," although I claim to like both.
29. Are you married?
No. I do wear a wedding ring but it was my grandmother's.
30. Always wear your seat belt?
Yes
31. Been in a car accident?
Several. I was driving for only one and my car stalled while turning left. Could have been killed (my car was aluminum) but the other driver had good reflexes and I'm pretty sure an angel stepped between us.
32. Any pet peeves?
So, so many. Oh wait, pet PEEVES?
33. Favorite pizza topping?
Not allowed to eat pizza anymore, but when I did it was hamburger.
34. Favorite Flower?
Buttercups. Duh. Actually, I love smelly flowers: marigolds, roses, peonies, hyacinth.
35. Favorite ice cream?
Peppermint.
36. Favorite fast food?
Taco Bell 5 layer beefy burrito. I shouldn't eat them, but, oh, how I love them.
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
I don't remember failing, although I remembering thinking "I should have failed. Why didn't I fail? I don't want to drive!"
38. From whom did you get your last email?
Newsmax. chuckle.
39. In which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Make Dave Ramsey proud. Say "no" to credit.
40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I hope not.
41. Like your job?
I really do.
42. What was your favorite vacation?
Summers at my relatives' cabin in the Ozarks, before it got all commercial.
43. Last person you went out to eat with?
my brothers and their women. hmm. That could be a book title.
44. What are you listening to right now?
American Family Radio. Nicole Spawnberg, I think.
45. What is your favorite color?
Cobalt Blue
46. How many tattoos do you have?
none. Scared of needles. And pain. And bloating.
47. Coffee drinker?
I hate coffee, but I've learned to appreciate a white chocolate mocha latte with a shot of cinnamon. It tastes almost nothing like coffee.
48. How many children do you have?
No human children.
49. Pick one super power... what would it be??
Telekinesis, hands-down. HA!
50. Do you return shopping carts at the grocery store?
Every Single Time. Lazy creatures, do you not know GOD is watching?
51. Signature Drink?
Water with lemon.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Normalizing
My knees are killing me.
I'm not allowed to talk about them. Mom once threatened to cut them off if I brought them up again. Seems Dad had bad knees, too, and she's just tired of hearing about it. Must be the weight of the turtle shell. Hard to carry around the troubles of the world and keep your knees healthy.
The return of humor indicates (I hope) a return of some much needed emotional balance. My diabolical plan to give my troubles back to God seems to be working. I'm glad He's willing to take them.
I don't have much to say this morning. Mostly I wanted my dear readers to know I'm alive and well (eggs that rattle when you shake them are not edible, FYI) and moving forward.
I'm nearly done with Nor Iron Bars a Cage by Caprice Hokstad. I'll have to post reviews here and on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. I'm just glad she has book three in the works. I do like the world of Byntar.
I need to write reviews for Fred Warren's The Muse and Odd Little Miracles, too. And the Iguana's Winter. That's been my reading so far this year. I also need to edit Elementals based on all the wonderful feedback from my crit partners. It's past time to write a blurb while I'm at it. Can't believe I don't have one yet. That's supposed to be the first thing you write. And I've decided to get those author headshots out of the way while I have mostly decent hair. Who knows when some mad barber may attack me in the night, shear my beautiful locks and plunge me back into the pit of hair despair?
Man, that's a lot to do. Maybe I'll just go back to bed. If I stop blogging now, I could get an hour.
Later.
I'm not allowed to talk about them. Mom once threatened to cut them off if I brought them up again. Seems Dad had bad knees, too, and she's just tired of hearing about it. Must be the weight of the turtle shell. Hard to carry around the troubles of the world and keep your knees healthy.
The return of humor indicates (I hope) a return of some much needed emotional balance. My diabolical plan to give my troubles back to God seems to be working. I'm glad He's willing to take them.
I don't have much to say this morning. Mostly I wanted my dear readers to know I'm alive and well (eggs that rattle when you shake them are not edible, FYI) and moving forward.
I'm nearly done with Nor Iron Bars a Cage by Caprice Hokstad. I'll have to post reviews here and on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. I'm just glad she has book three in the works. I do like the world of Byntar.
I need to write reviews for Fred Warren's The Muse and Odd Little Miracles, too. And the Iguana's Winter. That's been my reading so far this year. I also need to edit Elementals based on all the wonderful feedback from my crit partners. It's past time to write a blurb while I'm at it. Can't believe I don't have one yet. That's supposed to be the first thing you write. And I've decided to get those author headshots out of the way while I have mostly decent hair. Who knows when some mad barber may attack me in the night, shear my beautiful locks and plunge me back into the pit of hair despair?
Man, that's a lot to do. Maybe I'll just go back to bed. If I stop blogging now, I could get an hour.
Later.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
That's It
I'm calling it. 2011 is officially my Worst Year Ever.
Definitely worse than the Adjustment Disorder of 1996. That only lasted three months, although I did consider suicide at the lowest point.
Probably worse than the Nervous Breakdown of 1998. I can't be entirely sure of that since I spent the first half of the breakdown sobbing uncontrollably while awake and the second half in a St. John's Wort induced euphoric stupor.
OK, it could be a tie.
But, if I declare this my official Worst Year Ever, I at least have the satisfaction of knowing the pressure is off, and I can enjoy all the little tortures I'm otherwise trying to ignore.
For example, severe 20 minute crying jags can count as aerobic exercise. I'm certainly getting more out of them than the Health Walker. Plus, like engaging in reverse peristalsis, after each bout I get anywhere from 10 to 40 minutes of complete calm. That's a real plus.
This could be that mid-life crisis I've feared has arrived two decades too early. Or it could be some kind of once a decade emotional catharsis. A turtle version of Pon Farr, if you will, except instead of getting laid, I get emotionally screwed for a year or so. That's not so bad if I get 9 good years to balance.
The worst part? I honestly don't have anything to complain about. For all intents and purposes, my life is pretty great. Which is why I don't get why I'm not happy about it.
I just have to accept, for the moment, if I'm not miserable, I'm not happy.
I can live with that.
Definitely worse than the Adjustment Disorder of 1996. That only lasted three months, although I did consider suicide at the lowest point.
Probably worse than the Nervous Breakdown of 1998. I can't be entirely sure of that since I spent the first half of the breakdown sobbing uncontrollably while awake and the second half in a St. John's Wort induced euphoric stupor.
OK, it could be a tie.
But, if I declare this my official Worst Year Ever, I at least have the satisfaction of knowing the pressure is off, and I can enjoy all the little tortures I'm otherwise trying to ignore.
For example, severe 20 minute crying jags can count as aerobic exercise. I'm certainly getting more out of them than the Health Walker. Plus, like engaging in reverse peristalsis, after each bout I get anywhere from 10 to 40 minutes of complete calm. That's a real plus.
This could be that mid-life crisis I've feared has arrived two decades too early. Or it could be some kind of once a decade emotional catharsis. A turtle version of Pon Farr, if you will, except instead of getting laid, I get emotionally screwed for a year or so. That's not so bad if I get 9 good years to balance.
The worst part? I honestly don't have anything to complain about. For all intents and purposes, my life is pretty great. Which is why I don't get why I'm not happy about it.
I just have to accept, for the moment, if I'm not miserable, I'm not happy.
I can live with that.
Monday, July 4, 2011
A Call to Prayer
I could have blogged about how much I hate fireworks, but I went in a slightly more constructive direction over at
For the record, I hate fireworks A LOT.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Edit Like the Wind
Since Vaulter reminded me how much I love my firstborn, Star of Justice, I've been locked into edit-land. Don't know why. Not like I'm submitting it anywhere at the moment. Doesn't matter. It's just nice to remember why I started writing in the first place.
Vaulter's done but I'm only halfway, so I have a lot of work to do before the end of the month.
Most of the edits have been itty bitty adjustments like removing "said" and replacing it with a beat of action. Jeff the Publisher recommended that a long time ago. I started doing it during the MLS contest, but I've missed a few spots.
I've also gotten rid of a bunch of "telling." Passive voice descriptions of this, that and the other. Stuff you're smart enough to figure out or completely unnecessary to plot.
Not that I'm overly concerned with plot in this one. This is one of many books planned for this world. Word count also doesn't bother me. I refuse to cut 66K words just to make it fit the 100K "first book" publication category. Decided that a long time ago, and I'm sticking to it. Doesn't mean I won't cut out words that don't pull their weight, but I'm not cutting chapters just because. I like my chapters.
Sound a bit diva-ish, don't I? Well, when you're my publisher, we'll talk.
If the power stays on and the tornadoes stay out of it, I should be done with this pass-through by the weekend. Tell Cilla to be patient, dear Vaulter. Turtle's working on it.
After that, I'm thinking it's time to pull Justice for All out of the file cabinet. I've missed my little band of ruffians. Maybe they've missed me, too.
Vaulter's done but I'm only halfway, so I have a lot of work to do before the end of the month.
Most of the edits have been itty bitty adjustments like removing "said" and replacing it with a beat of action. Jeff the Publisher recommended that a long time ago. I started doing it during the MLS contest, but I've missed a few spots.
I've also gotten rid of a bunch of "telling." Passive voice descriptions of this, that and the other. Stuff you're smart enough to figure out or completely unnecessary to plot.
Not that I'm overly concerned with plot in this one. This is one of many books planned for this world. Word count also doesn't bother me. I refuse to cut 66K words just to make it fit the 100K "first book" publication category. Decided that a long time ago, and I'm sticking to it. Doesn't mean I won't cut out words that don't pull their weight, but I'm not cutting chapters just because. I like my chapters.
Sound a bit diva-ish, don't I? Well, when you're my publisher, we'll talk.
If the power stays on and the tornadoes stay out of it, I should be done with this pass-through by the weekend. Tell Cilla to be patient, dear Vaulter. Turtle's working on it.
After that, I'm thinking it's time to pull Justice for All out of the file cabinet. I've missed my little band of ruffians. Maybe they've missed me, too.
Lessons for Life
I would have posted this yesterday, but I lost power around 6 AM, and by the time I got it back, I'd forgotten about everything else. Could be a life lesson.
Find out over at
Find out over at
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tip of the Iceberg
Days of clear, beautiful weather forced me to see my fear of storms as the tip of the iceberg.
For several months, most of this year, actually, stress has built in my life.
Job stress. Self-imposed self-improvement stress. Political and economic stress. Dying cat stress (a dying cat who was well enough to snatch half a chicken breast off my plate and resist my efforts to pry it from her needle-sharp teeth. No fallout I've detected from that little adventure, praise the Lord. One of us now eats lunch in the bathroom, and I'm not telling which one).
Those are the bad stresses.
I've found good stresses, too. New family member stress. Writing and critiquing stress (you're in the good list, Vaulter, never fear and don't stop!). Reading stress. I like the changes, but they require adjustments and that takes its toll, too.
As I've knelt before God, giving Him my fear of storms, I'm finding all these other fears and stresses crowding to take its place. One by one I'm giving those to God, too, because the vast majority of them are as out of my control as the weather.
I'm also reducing those stresses as best I can, one stress at a time.
It's like I've been sunburned. Where normally I could walk outside without trouble, for the moment, any light or warmth hurts my skin. Only my skin is my psyche and the sunlight is the world.
I'm limiting exposure. Easy on the nightly news and its multiple tragedies (just the weather, please *grin*). Earlier bedtimes until I catch up on the sleep I've missed. Exercising daily to use up that adrenaline. One extracurricular task a night, either critiquing or reading or writing, but not all three and not any if something else is planned, like family time.
And prayer. Kneeling before God every day, at least once a day, reciting my "You take it; I can't" list. Because I can't take it. I'm done with worrying. God will have to be in control.
Memorizing scripture. I'm halfway through Psalm 91, which I learned yesterday is called "the warrior's psalm." That one follows me into sleep at night.
The surprising thing is how this snuck up me. Since my nervous breakdown all those years ago, I'm pretty sensitive to these kinds of emotional pitfalls. In the past, I've spotted them way before they got this bad.
Well, I'm not going to worry about it. God can take this mystery, too.
For several months, most of this year, actually, stress has built in my life.
Job stress. Self-imposed self-improvement stress. Political and economic stress. Dying cat stress (a dying cat who was well enough to snatch half a chicken breast off my plate and resist my efforts to pry it from her needle-sharp teeth. No fallout I've detected from that little adventure, praise the Lord. One of us now eats lunch in the bathroom, and I'm not telling which one).
Those are the bad stresses.
I've found good stresses, too. New family member stress. Writing and critiquing stress (you're in the good list, Vaulter, never fear and don't stop!). Reading stress. I like the changes, but they require adjustments and that takes its toll, too.
As I've knelt before God, giving Him my fear of storms, I'm finding all these other fears and stresses crowding to take its place. One by one I'm giving those to God, too, because the vast majority of them are as out of my control as the weather.
I'm also reducing those stresses as best I can, one stress at a time.
It's like I've been sunburned. Where normally I could walk outside without trouble, for the moment, any light or warmth hurts my skin. Only my skin is my psyche and the sunlight is the world.
I'm limiting exposure. Easy on the nightly news and its multiple tragedies (just the weather, please *grin*). Earlier bedtimes until I catch up on the sleep I've missed. Exercising daily to use up that adrenaline. One extracurricular task a night, either critiquing or reading or writing, but not all three and not any if something else is planned, like family time.
And prayer. Kneeling before God every day, at least once a day, reciting my "You take it; I can't" list. Because I can't take it. I'm done with worrying. God will have to be in control.
Memorizing scripture. I'm halfway through Psalm 91, which I learned yesterday is called "the warrior's psalm." That one follows me into sleep at night.
The surprising thing is how this snuck up me. Since my nervous breakdown all those years ago, I'm pretty sensitive to these kinds of emotional pitfalls. In the past, I've spotted them way before they got this bad.
Well, I'm not going to worry about it. God can take this mystery, too.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Adrenaline
Funny thing, adrenaline. As a chemical, it's pretty neutral. It's whole purpose is to prepare your body to do something - run or fight. It shuts down your brain, your stomach, everything but the muscles you'll need to accomplish one of those two goals.
Some people enjoy the rush of adrenaline. Thanks to roller coasters, bungee jumping, para-sailing, whatever, they've learned to associate that flood with pleasure.
I never learned that. I don't ride roller coasters. I don't drive fast or enter houses with possible burglaries in process (OK, once, but I vowed never to do it again). For me, two sips into a caffeinated drink have me wondering if I need a doctor and some Valium.
Part of my journey away from phobias is dealing with adrenaline. No person can pump adrenaline all the time. It burns out your body and your brain, like pressing "turbo" and holding it down.
I think I've been pumping adrenaline too long. At least three weeks, near as I can figure. I'm getting rushes at weird times, when literally nothing is happening, and no storm is forecast for a solid 48 hours.
I don't like it. Hard to type with shaking hands. Hard to eat lunch when your stomach clamps up and says "no admittance."
What to do?
Well, the exercise thing seems the best solution. If my body says "run or fight," I suppose I should run or fight. That will use up the adrenaline, I hope. The bonus is it gets me in better shape to run or fight if I have to do those things for real at some point.
I'm trying to look at this as a "win-win."
One side-effect is a new sympathy for those in real harm's way. Firefighters. Police officers. Our deployed military men and women. I'm getting a little, tiny glimpse of what it's like to live daily with an impending sense of doom. God be with them all. And their families. We're not designed to endure that kind of stress constantly.
Yesterday on Family Talk, Dr. Dobson interviewed the Monetti's, a military family who wrote the book Called to Serve for military families. The wife, Penny, talked about her obsessive behaviors when her husband first deployed. I heard my story and some tips to help. The biggest tip is to give it ("it" being my problem of the moment) to God daily. It has to be daily.
And that's what I'm trying to do. The AA "I am powerless against..." is my new mantra, followed by "It's yours, Lord. I can't do it. You'll have to."
He is. Thank you for your faithfulness, God. It is my shield and rampart.
Some people enjoy the rush of adrenaline. Thanks to roller coasters, bungee jumping, para-sailing, whatever, they've learned to associate that flood with pleasure.
I never learned that. I don't ride roller coasters. I don't drive fast or enter houses with possible burglaries in process (OK, once, but I vowed never to do it again). For me, two sips into a caffeinated drink have me wondering if I need a doctor and some Valium.
Part of my journey away from phobias is dealing with adrenaline. No person can pump adrenaline all the time. It burns out your body and your brain, like pressing "turbo" and holding it down.
I think I've been pumping adrenaline too long. At least three weeks, near as I can figure. I'm getting rushes at weird times, when literally nothing is happening, and no storm is forecast for a solid 48 hours.
I don't like it. Hard to type with shaking hands. Hard to eat lunch when your stomach clamps up and says "no admittance."
What to do?
Well, the exercise thing seems the best solution. If my body says "run or fight," I suppose I should run or fight. That will use up the adrenaline, I hope. The bonus is it gets me in better shape to run or fight if I have to do those things for real at some point.
I'm trying to look at this as a "win-win."
One side-effect is a new sympathy for those in real harm's way. Firefighters. Police officers. Our deployed military men and women. I'm getting a little, tiny glimpse of what it's like to live daily with an impending sense of doom. God be with them all. And their families. We're not designed to endure that kind of stress constantly.
Yesterday on Family Talk, Dr. Dobson interviewed the Monetti's, a military family who wrote the book Called to Serve for military families. The wife, Penny, talked about her obsessive behaviors when her husband first deployed. I heard my story and some tips to help. The biggest tip is to give it ("it" being my problem of the moment) to God daily. It has to be daily.
And that's what I'm trying to do. The AA "I am powerless against..." is my new mantra, followed by "It's yours, Lord. I can't do it. You'll have to."
He is. Thank you for your faithfulness, God. It is my shield and rampart.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Ah, Sleep
I must have slept last night because the alarm surprised me.
Sleeping is good. I need sleep. I wish I could sleep all day long today, but I can't. At least I'm not working off one hour like yesterday.
I'm "feeling" better, which makes me wonder if the threat of exercise really is enough to make my brain stop sending panic attacks. This will be useful to remember should I get published.
I'm not cured. Based on past experience with severe emotional trauma, I'll take longer than a day or two to recover, but I am better. God and I talk every day, sometimes constantly, it seems. My friends and family continue to pray.
I've reduced my weather-related searches to just the news in the morning and the evening (unless we're in an active spurt of weather where something is happening right then that I should probably know about). Part of obsessive thinking is obsessive behavior. That stops here. It's not helping and I can control it.
One of the things I remember from Steve Leavitt's talk is when a panic attack starts, rather than fight it, you ride it out. Like the "fear is the mind-killer" mantra from Dune. "I will face my fear. I will allow it to pass through me. When the fear is gone, only I will remain."
It's also like surfing, but I'm a nerd so I have to go for the sci-fi over the sport reference.
I also realized I need to remember the fun in my life. I got so freaked out I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't play Farmville. These are the fun parts of my life. How can I live past the irrational fear if I don't combat it with fun?
That all sounds great, but in the midst of irrational fear, it's hard to make yourself care about breeding pigs. I just couldn't. Too bad, really. I missed the father's day special where all babies got the dad's pattern. I'll get over it.
Even as I write, with a beautiful day ahead and no threat of bad weather (at the moment), my stomach is twinging a bit. That's how I know it's irrational fear.
Thanks for the prayers and the support, my dear readers. God is bringing me through this. I'll be praying for you, as well, that He covers you with His feathers so you may rest under His wings.
Sleeping is good. I need sleep. I wish I could sleep all day long today, but I can't. At least I'm not working off one hour like yesterday.
I'm "feeling" better, which makes me wonder if the threat of exercise really is enough to make my brain stop sending panic attacks. This will be useful to remember should I get published.
I'm not cured. Based on past experience with severe emotional trauma, I'll take longer than a day or two to recover, but I am better. God and I talk every day, sometimes constantly, it seems. My friends and family continue to pray.
I've reduced my weather-related searches to just the news in the morning and the evening (unless we're in an active spurt of weather where something is happening right then that I should probably know about). Part of obsessive thinking is obsessive behavior. That stops here. It's not helping and I can control it.
One of the things I remember from Steve Leavitt's talk is when a panic attack starts, rather than fight it, you ride it out. Like the "fear is the mind-killer" mantra from Dune. "I will face my fear. I will allow it to pass through me. When the fear is gone, only I will remain."
It's also like surfing, but I'm a nerd so I have to go for the sci-fi over the sport reference.
I also realized I need to remember the fun in my life. I got so freaked out I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't play Farmville. These are the fun parts of my life. How can I live past the irrational fear if I don't combat it with fun?
That all sounds great, but in the midst of irrational fear, it's hard to make yourself care about breeding pigs. I just couldn't. Too bad, really. I missed the father's day special where all babies got the dad's pattern. I'll get over it.
Even as I write, with a beautiful day ahead and no threat of bad weather (at the moment), my stomach is twinging a bit. That's how I know it's irrational fear.
Thanks for the prayers and the support, my dear readers. God is bringing me through this. I'll be praying for you, as well, that He covers you with His feathers so you may rest under His wings.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
No Time
"There never seems to be enough time to do the things that you want to do once you find them."
I don't know who originally sang that song, but in my brain, the voice is Roger Whittaker.
It always comes down to time, doesn't it?
When I wrote Star of Justice, I had no friends. OK, I had one, but she was sporadic in her attentions. No Facebook. No 2-3 hour phone calls from all over the States. No blogs. No Farmville.
In short, nothing but me and the computer.
Well, I had church, but I'm ashamed to admit attendance took a back seat to writing on more than one occasion. I just couldn't spare the time. I had a book and it needed out right now!
My life is fuller than it was. Friends call. Facebook beckons. Family needs attention, and I'm happy to give it.
But it can really take a bite of my writing time.
All of which means, I love you, but if I don't answer, I'm writing. Hopefully, you'll forgive me when the book comes out.
I don't know who originally sang that song, but in my brain, the voice is Roger Whittaker.
It always comes down to time, doesn't it?
When I wrote Star of Justice, I had no friends. OK, I had one, but she was sporadic in her attentions. No Facebook. No 2-3 hour phone calls from all over the States. No blogs. No Farmville.
In short, nothing but me and the computer.
Well, I had church, but I'm ashamed to admit attendance took a back seat to writing on more than one occasion. I just couldn't spare the time. I had a book and it needed out right now!
My life is fuller than it was. Friends call. Facebook beckons. Family needs attention, and I'm happy to give it.
But it can really take a bite of my writing time.
All of which means, I love you, but if I don't answer, I'm writing. Hopefully, you'll forgive me when the book comes out.
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