The Enemy Within

 Since menopause, my body has become my enemy in ways previously unimagined. I used to crave sugar, yeah. I used to hate exercise. I used to have PMS. 

Now, stray thoughts cause physical reactions. Racing heart that can last for hours. Hot flashes. Cold sweats. Panic attacks. Within 24 hours of eating wheat, I'm homicidal and/ or suicidal. Sugar of any kind other than honey (and even that is suspect) causes intense joint pain, so intense I cannot sleep. 

It is impossible to stop random thoughts. Impossible because any kind of interaction with life causes thinking. This was the year I thought I was off GABA because I was finally healed from the physical and emotional trauma of menopause. But, no. Life has other plans. 

I'm back on GABA, about 500 mg/ day, and things are funny again. I'm back on the mantras. 

God will bring me through. 

Contend with snakes by looking up. 

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well. 

Walking helps. I walk 30 minutes every morning and pray for everyone I know while I walk. Prayer and meditation calm the limbic system - the thing that causes panic attacks. 

I'm off wheat and most sugar. The cons finally got bad enough that I don't mind not putting poison in my mouth. 

Weight lifting helps with the pain. And burning off the cortisol and adrenaline that gets my heart racing when I'm lying down or sitting still. I hope one day my body will remember how to be my body again instead of my enemy. 

Keep the faith.